Sad

I'm never am going to hear from her again, I don't know why I write on this stupid blog. I made a mistake and it's over, there are no more second chances. She will never ever believe me or talk to me again..

Lately...

A lot has happened lately and a lot of it has really perplexed me. Something new happens everyday and it is only messing with my mind. I am disappointed with who I have become. I don't feel the same at all.

Never Forget You - Lupe Fiasco

I’ll never forget you

I’ll never let you go

I’ll never forget you

I’ll always remember, I hope you know

Depression

It hits hard and just eats you inside. I miss my old self, I miss Eli a lot. I don't know who I even am anymore. I feel so lost. Every thing I look at reminds me of her. Everything I do or say. I can't escape what once was. It stays with you forever in memories. Moving on from this relationship is the hardest thing I've ever encountered in my life. I'm not ready to let go. I just need to find myself, even if it takes my whole life.

So Lost

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved
No better and no worse

Break

This break has helped me realize that there's only one person that can make life better and can make me happy, but that person will never talk to me, it's the worst feeling ever.

November 16th

The days are getting longer...theres more time to lament and think of whats gone on in the past year. It trully is hard to let go, but that's what friends are for. I thank all my friends that have been there for me in probably my most difficult of times. I replay that night/day in my dreams constantly; in one moment you can have everything and in the next you can lose it all.

Liquid Spirits Feat. Phonte (of Little Brother) - 4Everyday

I get lonely too...

When you miss that special person in your life, its hard to let, its hard to accept that they are gone. I live every moment expecting that person to come back or at least remember what we had. I fucked up and I failed but with that last chance, I can make everything better and different. This person is the most special person on this earth and I would do anything for her to come back. I get lonely, and I trully love her from the depths of my heart.




I Get Lonely Too - Drake

Moving On...

I think moving on from someone that was the best you'll ever get is hard. Like she said, I will absolutely never meet anyone better than her. I don't deserve to be loved or given another chance. I should honestly just give up on love. I don't know how to treat it or use it.

Quote:

"You deserve to lose what you do not cherish.." - Me

Your Hand In Mine...

I can still feel her palm in mine. Everywhere I go, I cannot escape what once was. I miss her. I love her. I need her. She is forever gone. It does not matter; I will never ever forget those moments spent together or the day she first said I love you..

Love Is...

Love Is - Common

Lessons I've Learned from Love

If someone messes up: don't forgive them, ignore them, and forget all about them. Don't remember the times spent together, the kisses, the dates, or the conversations.

Stars...

every night, i look up at the stars and hope we are both looking at the same star. That's the only connection I have with her..

i really just hate my life so much right now..

Half Mast (Slight Return) - Empire of the Sun

Hear me now, I'm down on knees and praying
Though my faith is weak
Without you so please baby please give us a chance
Make a mends and I will stand until the end
A million times a trillion more...

I wish she could tell me...

Lonely Girl - Ocean Lab

My Way Home

If she can somehow hear me....

I love you.

Sooner or Later...You Don't Need No One Else

When the lights don't glow the same way that they use to
And I finally get a moment to myself
I will realize you were everything I'm missing
And you tell me you're in love with someone else

So can you do me a favor if I pull it together
Make it sooner than later, we won't be here forever
And I realize I waited to know
But please don't move on


Please..

I told her we would visit here one day.

Messages

Today I went through all my phone messages, and I somehow clicked on one of her previous voicemails. As soon as I heard her voice, my heart sunk and my face grew pale. I skipped a breath and was shocked. Her voice reminds me of home, of love, of happiness. This is not to say that I am not happy, but rather that with her, there is a different type of happiness. I want to go back to that time.

Recently...

I have tried hard to deal with the fact that for now she is gone. However, it is extremely hard. I miss her more than anything and it makes everything worst because I have no contact what so ever to her, none. I know if I text, she'll just ignore it. I wish and pray that one day she can call or text me. I always see the past memories in dreams or in my mind. I can't escape it. I think of her more than anything else. Will she ever talk to me again? I struggle with the question daily and remotely every second. I would do anything, anything to go back in time. I can't changed what happened and what has happened, I can only work hard to fix what I have broken.

Ashes: My Story...Her Song

Ashes - Mickey Factz

I didn't mean to be that type

Fall For Your Type - Drake

I still got it for you...

I had a dream last night...she told me I took too long to try to win her back. Should I keep waiting or is it time for me to just call her or text her. What would I say? Fearing everything won't just make this any easier. In my dream, she won't take me back because I took so long. Will she inevitably forget me, will I just become a past boyfriend. I want her in my life. I really want her back so badly. I miss her more than anything.

Never

Ever give up on the person you love. They will always be worth more than anything this world can provide. Love is gods gift to us, cherish it and never let it go.

I love you..

It's the 22nd, and I still got it for her..

September 16

I'm getting sadder and sadder each day. I miss her more and more. I really need to hear her voice again, it has been way too long. I wish she could feel me or hear me. I miss her.

Good Morning

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Untitled

My heart breaks in the night
'Neath shadows of the street lights
Peering through our window sheers
Playing tricks with my eyes
Little fan circulates cool air
Cutting through summer's breath
The white noise camouflages my deep sigh
Of oxygen passing through my hollow chest cavity
Tears flooding my ears again as to 
Tunnel through the build up that has so caused 
These deaf ears to ignore the forewarnings
Of loving you too deeply...

Paris Morton Music - Drizzy

Wouldve came back for you ,
I just needed time, to do what I had to do
caught in the lie, I cant let it go whether thats right I will never know,
hoping you will forgive me, never meant wrong,
tried to be patient, waited too long,
but I wouldve came back, but i wouldve came back,
wouldve came back, wouldve came back.
Wouldve came...

White Lies - Mr Hudson

There Will Be Tears - Mr Hudson

Day By Day

I take everything day by day and just think of how this past year went. There are a lot of things I wish I could go back and change. I am now a man now, I cannot just change things or say sorry. What I do now affects my life and the people around me. It puts my life into perspective and lets me realize what are the things I value most in my life. I value my family/friends, God, and her. It is becoming almost impossible to just let go. I have a plan...It may or may not work, but I will do everything in my power to earn her back and prove that I am the Eli she always wanted and dreamed of. Every night before I go to sleep I say i love you like we did when we were on the phone. She was the most amazing and profound person I ever met. She made life that much better. All I can do now is just take it day by day.

Update

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. 

-Proverbs 3.3

Her name will never leave my heart, she means more than anything in this world. The love I gave her was true and still is. I made a mistake and I cannot take it back. I can only become better but as the days go by I resent and hate myself even more. I miss her more than anything. I would do anything for her. I wish there was something I could do to just hear her say I love you once more. 

The Rhythm of the Rain

Rhythm of the Rain - Kno (of CunninLynguists)

I really miss her, I miss the kisses and her hand.

Drake's Tweet

Life's story is as quick as the wink of an eye...love's story is merely hello and goodbye...until we meet again...

Drake has been an extremely inspirational figure in my life. His music has really helped me. I still think and miss her so much. I know what I did was extremely wrong but I really have learned. I want to prove I've changed. I just want to dial those numbers. I love her so so so much. I hope we do meet again...

Maybe She'll Dream of Me

Maybe She'll Dream of Me

I will always love you and I truly am sorry...

Sunday

Well, it's not getting any better. With time it is actually getting worst. I remember everything we did. Our first date to see Star Trek. Our first time out together for the whole day. We went to pay less for her job interview then to watch the Hangover. I love that movie so much because of her. Then we went to my soccer game, which we won. But wow. I always seemed to just sigh at everything that reminds me of her. There's just so much. I loved her so much. I remember when I bought the new iPhone, she went with me. I recorded a video of her. It was the first one I had ever recorded. We went to a baseball game that night. I miss her so so much. I really messed up badly. I cannot believe what I did. I am still so ashamed and sorry. I hope one day she can call me or just one day text me. I'll keep waiting.

Love Quote

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of seperation.

First Day of Classes

Woke up today at 6am, showered, got ready and left for the shuttle to Mizzou. I got to school about 20-30 minutes early and tried figuring out the whole situation with my math placement. I have to take the ALEKS exam and I only need to get a 55%. Can you imagine how hard that is. Well, I still went to class and then spanish class. Spanish class was cool. The teacher is very nice and reminds me of my Tia Hilda. Well after Poli Sci 3000 for some unknown reason, my phone went ahead about an hour. I skipped my next class thinking I was running late. It was such a stupid thing to do on a first day. Now, I missed Poli Sci 1400 on the first day! I am very disappointed and do not know how my phone made such a mistake. From now on I'm making sure to wear my watch. Last night however, was not the best. Johnny is lost with his school situation and last night would have been my anniversary with her. I felt so bad yesterday and for some reason was hoping she would call. She told me to never call her again or text her. I hope the new year can really change me and give me one more chance.

Time heals all

Everything is starting to make sense. In my journey to progress, I have regressed. I have not matured but rather failed. I have let myself and my family down. Most importantly, I let the love of my life and the woman of my dreams down. I know I failed but I know I can change and be a better man and learn from my mistake.

"If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down."

I'm not gonna lay in my sorrows or pity myself. I'm going to take everything like a man and I will win her back. Regardless of what anyone says. When you feel passionate about something, strive for it. Work your hardest, that is what I intend to do. I am so in love with her. She has no idea how much I truly love her. I love her more than anything in this world. I just want her back. I want her to know that I can change and that I will do anything for her

"What does not kill me, makes me stronger."

From this experience I have learned so much about myself. I learned that she meant more to me than many things in live, like food. She meant more to me than my own happiness. Even though the pain I feel is still unbearable, I will learn from this and I will change. I guarantee anyone that I will be a changed man. I will grow up and I will stop being immature, stupid, and inconsiderate.

"Every second a seeker can start over, his life's mistakes are initial drafts and not the final version."

Lastly, I know what I want to make my final version. She is there, so is my family, my mom, and my friends. I do not want to lose anyone. Especially her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and right now I need to give her time. But I will try to win her back. I do not want to look back and say I should have tried harder. I will try harder than anyone ever has. Unlike other men, I honestly and genuinely am sorry and I do not want to just let her go.

It's funny when you coming in first but you hope that you last...

One Day

The days countdown, its been 5 already and I have the worst eating habit. It's incredible how much pain the human mind and body can take. I feel so ashamed and pathetic. I went to campus today, it just didn't feel the same. And the reality is that it won't. It will never be the same. I have lost so much and I have no one to blame but myself. All I can do now is hope that there may be a future. I pray every night hoping that one day, just one day it may come true. For now, I must face the reality of the situation. I failed, and I committed a dishonorable sin. I have let my family down and my friends. However, I will change, I will become a better person. I will prioritize what is important in my life.

1. Me.

2. My mom and brothers.

3. My friends.

4. School.

5.

I hope one day I can refill number 5. I will forever leave that spot open.

A prayer

²¹Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

²²Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

God please give me a second chance one day. Give me the opportunity to show everyone that I am different. Please let me prove to myself that I can be a better man.

Amen.

Alone.

Your heart is filled with pain,
Your mind cluttered with confusion.

Pieces of your life fall around you
Like raindrops in a storm.

The path you chose so long ago
Led you straight to hurts door.

Now your weary feet struggle
To find the road back home,
Searching for the places
That love and beauty hide.

Temptations lie in wait all around,
Pulling at your every step,
Waiting for you to slide back
From the chosen, sought for, path.

Emptiness surrounds you,
Confusing your perceptions.
It is difficult to carry on.

I will do my best to fill your heart with joy,
To clear the cobwebs of confusion,
Help you find your purpose.

I am good at catching pieces
And I can chase away a storm.

Let me walk your path beside you,
I have walked this road before.

You can lean on me when the weariness comes.
My shoulders are very strong.

I can not fight your battles,
Or chase away demons of the soul,
But I can lend you my strength
Until you find your own.

I will help you find the courage
To face each day anew.

I can not shorten the journey you must make,
The road is just as long as before.

But I can fill the emptiness
And help you reach your center,
The place where love and beauty hide.

Take my hand, be my friend,
Let me walk with you awhile.

Lost without you...

I have now lost everything. I wish Johnny would have given me a chance to tell her. That was extremely inappropriate. I understand what I did was very wrong. I am now going to God to find my way. I've talked to 2 church pastors and am now trying to change my life. I can't believe she's gone. I am in so much pain. Everything hurts. I pray to god that one day I may get another chance but for now, its over.

Last Day with Ryan

My last day with Ryan was so fun. I love that boy, he's been such a good friend for a long time. I'm gonna miss him a lot. We started out night drinking trops and then we went to Joel's house to chill and play some Wii! I really suck at the basketball game. After, we went to Lambda Chi, however everything was a bit murky. Ryan and I then went to El Rancho where I met someone that is from the same city as my mom! It was awesome! Ryan and I ate together and then walked home for a good night. This morning I realized someone used my phone to post facebook status' about me being drunk. It was childish of whoever did that but oh well. The damage is done. I had a great night with one of my best friends from St. Mark's. I'm so thankful he came, it took away some of the homesickness I have developed. I really miss Texas a ton. Being with Ryan made everything better. In the morning, everything went pretty bad. Elida was pretty mad at me about yesterday. She said I handled myself really badly. I feel really bad. I forgot to call her because I passed out. I wish we could talk about it. I like when we work out our problems. That's all we have. We talked and she was really mad, I tried saying I love you but she clicked. I hate when I mess up. I really need to be a better boyfriend. I try to hard for her. I need to do more. I know I can do better too. I know I can.

Sigh...

The world seems to have lost it's marvel, food no longer has the same taste, I no longer feel the cold weather, and everything seems black and white. I have never felt everything so murky, so distant. I feel as if I have lost myself but I still understand what is happening. I just did not see this coming. I no longer feel pain, feel joy, taste food, feel cold or hot. I guess I really did mean I love her more than the air I breathe. I have had a really hard time breathing lately, a lost of breath. What more do I need to feel? Last night and the night before have been some of the most tedious and hard nights ever. It seems as if everything gets worst. Time may not be able to heal everything. I gave so much. I gave so much time and effort that time may never reach me. I think that this idea may have been the stupidest thing I have done. This is worst than a break up, way worst. I wish she would just relay her feelings but of course, that is not possible. Sometimes reassurance means everything. I need to stop giving so much because I feel like I do not receive the same back. It is really frustrating, like a wall that never lets the ball bounce back. I just stand there throwing the ball and hoping that one day it will bounce back. Please just come back.

How I Feel...

http://www.zshare.net/download/72275386abc0fa42

M.A.R.S. by Conner Youngblood and Peter Johnson

Conner went to my high school.

...

words cannot explain how i feel. i want to cry. i feel like ive lost my heart. i put everything i had into this. only to get nothing. i want her back already. i want to tell her i love her. shes the most important person in my life and she doesnt even want to talk to me. it hurts. more than anything imaginable. i hate this. shes my best friend, my everything. now gone. why is this hard! why!

I miss her!

I can't stand it. I simply miss her. I need her here, I need her with me. Why is this so hard! Why can't everything just be ok? I miss her so much and I hate when we argue or can't talk. I don't understand why we can't talk. I just want to yell I love you! I love her so much. I would do anything for her, anything! I want to go to A&M really badly. But she doesn't want me to. I don't understand why. I want to go sooo badly. This is just so frustrating and it keeps eating me inside. She almost broke up with me today and I wish she hadn't even mentioned it. I don't know what I would do if I lost her. I would lose myself. She is so much a part of me. I love her, I absolutely love her! I want to go see her now but it's just not possible. This just consumes me everyday! I want to talk like we used to but it's just not possible because she's so busy now and it's hard to understand. It is if I have been replaced and the feeling hurts so badly. I miss her and love her. I don't think I can ever stop saying that. I need her. I know I can be needy but it's hard not to be when she is 600 miles away and I haven't seen her in like a month and a half. I don't want to lose her. I don't. What do I do? What can I do? Why can't we talk about this! Why? I want to just be at A&M. But I don't think she wants me there. The app is just about finished but I don't know if she wants me to go. I just want everything to be ok....please

Super Tired

Well I just found out today that I can't go see Elida during Spring Break. I am so mad and sad. I don't think I've ever been so mad and bothered by something in a while. It just really sucks because I was so excited to see her and I couldn't wait to spend time with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, that's gonna have to wait until who knows when. I've been waiting so long to see her and now I don't know when I'll see her again. It really vexes me so much! Especially since she gave me the most thoughtful and meaningful gift I've ever received. Sometimes I take for granted or don't recognize how much Elida knows and cares. She is an amazing person and I am super lucky to have her as a girlfriend. At times, I feel bad because she doesn't deserve a long distance relationship. She deserves the world and then some. I wish I could offer everything...

Valentine's Day

Well today is Valentine's Day and I am pretty much gonna spend it alone. Oh well, it's only because Elida isn't here but that's ok. I'm gonna go eat at Plaza 900 and see if anyone on my floor wants to join me. Most likely, I'll study and do some homework to catch up with school. Then, later tonight I have the brotherhood walk. I'm not looking forward to doing everything all over again. I feel so stupid and incompetent. I don't know why. I just do. I really need to make up for my mistakes and my laziness. It all ends today. I have made my schedule and I plan to stick to it. I don't care that tonight I might get back late because all that matters is that I get all my things back on track. I downloaded some music in order to occupy my time. Elida called me this morning too! But she was going to lunch with her friends. Maybe, well hopefully, we get to talk tonight. I really hope so. I miss her a lot. I also miss my family. I missed Priscilla's birthday party and I felt so left out of my family. I wanted to cry last night. Being forgotten can really set you back and suck. I want to go home soon but that might not be possible.

Observations

I never understood the complexities of life. Everything that happens and why it happens. The paths being paved and the paths already walked. It amazes me. Especially when I reflect upon my past instances and happenings. In the span of a year, I fell in love, graduated from high school, began college, joined a fraternity, crashed for the first time ever, and fully understood the consequences of being a man. Life has potential and it all comes down to what you are willing to put into it. In my lifetime there have been many events. I look back upon past relationships, friendships, and disputes. I have grown at a rapid rate and have been in and out of trends and phases, but when am I just gonna be me. Am I lost in the world or am I controlling the world. Which one is it? Can I actually change the world or will it change me first. I have been dealt many blows. I have had people hate me, hurt me, and ignore me. What have I done to make that happen. I've always tried to be loving and caring, yet, my natural character is cockiness and cold-hearted. What do I do to be perceived this way? You act one way only to be perceived another way. Right this moment, I'm sitting in the lounge of my hall, of my University, of the state of Missouri. I came from Dallas to Columbia in search of a dream, in search of a change, a possibility. What will I do with my life? In what direction am I headed? These are all questions that people never take the time to contemplate. Where will I go and will I change the world?

This Time For Real!!

I plan on doing everything I want to do in order to have a successful freshman year! I'm gonna go to bed early every night and wake up at 8 am every single day! I am extremely motivated and I want to find time to work out which would be every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I don't want to just get by anymore!!! I went to the bookstore today and I bought cases for my iPhone and my MacBook. I need to get everything in order, now is not the time to be lazy! Tonight, I'm gonna write my paper and have one of the honors students read it and check it and then I'm gonna have Elida check it too! I need to work on math with Berry, I hate my calc teacher! I also need to write Elida another letter. I need to talk to the Gap tomorrow so that I can get a job during the day on Saturdays and Sundays. I think it would be a really good idea! I also need to wash clothes!....

....On a brighter note, Austin and I went sledding with 2 girls from Texas! It was awesome! I love the snow so much but I really need to buy a beanie! Tomorrow I might dress up because I like doing it. I talked to Obed the other day too! I miss that guy a lot. Talking to Elida last night made everything soo much better. I can't wait to see her for Spring Break!!

What's Going On!

I really don't understand what's going on. Everything and everyone around me is strange. Austin is going through another bad semester and it hurts to see him depressed. Kevin is being back stabbed by LXA. And most importantly, I really miss my family and Elida. I miss them so much! I wish I had gone to a school in Texas. However, that didn't happen and I have to live with my choices. I miss Elida a lot. I wish she could be with me all the time. It just sucks with her being away, well, I technically left. I know it should make our love stronger and whatnot but it makes it so hard and it breaks me inside. Even worse, we haven't talked that much and it sucks so much. Just hearing her voice makes everything so much better. It's amazing what love can do to you within a moments breath. I miss my brothers and my mother. It feels weird without them. I should really come back but I know that I have to do my own thing. Everything should get better soon, I plan on visiting Elida for Spring Break and then surprising my mom on some weekend.

The New Semester

The new Winter Semester is about to start and I'm pretty stoked about it! lol, usually i wouldnt say that but i guess i wanna do a lot better! I miss Elida a lot! Especially my mom and brothers! but hopefully i do a lot better this time around! Tomorrow my first class is Poli Sci so we'll see how it goes....I LOVE ELIDA ESPINOZA!!