Last Day with Ryan

My last day with Ryan was so fun. I love that boy, he's been such a good friend for a long time. I'm gonna miss him a lot. We started out night drinking trops and then we went to Joel's house to chill and play some Wii! I really suck at the basketball game. After, we went to Lambda Chi, however everything was a bit murky. Ryan and I then went to El Rancho where I met someone that is from the same city as my mom! It was awesome! Ryan and I ate together and then walked home for a good night. This morning I realized someone used my phone to post facebook status' about me being drunk. It was childish of whoever did that but oh well. The damage is done. I had a great night with one of my best friends from St. Mark's. I'm so thankful he came, it took away some of the homesickness I have developed. I really miss Texas a ton. Being with Ryan made everything better. In the morning, everything went pretty bad. Elida was pretty mad at me about yesterday. She said I handled myself really badly. I feel really bad. I forgot to call her because I passed out. I wish we could talk about it. I like when we work out our problems. That's all we have. We talked and she was really mad, I tried saying I love you but she clicked. I hate when I mess up. I really need to be a better boyfriend. I try to hard for her. I need to do more. I know I can do better too. I know I can.

Sigh...

The world seems to have lost it's marvel, food no longer has the same taste, I no longer feel the cold weather, and everything seems black and white. I have never felt everything so murky, so distant. I feel as if I have lost myself but I still understand what is happening. I just did not see this coming. I no longer feel pain, feel joy, taste food, feel cold or hot. I guess I really did mean I love her more than the air I breathe. I have had a really hard time breathing lately, a lost of breath. What more do I need to feel? Last night and the night before have been some of the most tedious and hard nights ever. It seems as if everything gets worst. Time may not be able to heal everything. I gave so much. I gave so much time and effort that time may never reach me. I think that this idea may have been the stupidest thing I have done. This is worst than a break up, way worst. I wish she would just relay her feelings but of course, that is not possible. Sometimes reassurance means everything. I need to stop giving so much because I feel like I do not receive the same back. It is really frustrating, like a wall that never lets the ball bounce back. I just stand there throwing the ball and hoping that one day it will bounce back. Please just come back.

How I Feel...

http://www.zshare.net/download/72275386abc0fa42

M.A.R.S. by Conner Youngblood and Peter Johnson

Conner went to my high school.

...

words cannot explain how i feel. i want to cry. i feel like ive lost my heart. i put everything i had into this. only to get nothing. i want her back already. i want to tell her i love her. shes the most important person in my life and she doesnt even want to talk to me. it hurts. more than anything imaginable. i hate this. shes my best friend, my everything. now gone. why is this hard! why!

I miss her!

I can't stand it. I simply miss her. I need her here, I need her with me. Why is this so hard! Why can't everything just be ok? I miss her so much and I hate when we argue or can't talk. I don't understand why we can't talk. I just want to yell I love you! I love her so much. I would do anything for her, anything! I want to go to A&M really badly. But she doesn't want me to. I don't understand why. I want to go sooo badly. This is just so frustrating and it keeps eating me inside. She almost broke up with me today and I wish she hadn't even mentioned it. I don't know what I would do if I lost her. I would lose myself. She is so much a part of me. I love her, I absolutely love her! I want to go see her now but it's just not possible. This just consumes me everyday! I want to talk like we used to but it's just not possible because she's so busy now and it's hard to understand. It is if I have been replaced and the feeling hurts so badly. I miss her and love her. I don't think I can ever stop saying that. I need her. I know I can be needy but it's hard not to be when she is 600 miles away and I haven't seen her in like a month and a half. I don't want to lose her. I don't. What do I do? What can I do? Why can't we talk about this! Why? I want to just be at A&M. But I don't think she wants me there. The app is just about finished but I don't know if she wants me to go. I just want everything to be ok....please