I will always love you and I truly am sorry...

Sunday

Well, it's not getting any better. With time it is actually getting worst. I remember everything we did. Our first date to see Star Trek. Our first time out together for the whole day. We went to pay less for her job interview then to watch the Hangover. I love that movie so much because of her. Then we went to my soccer game, which we won. But wow. I always seemed to just sigh at everything that reminds me of her. There's just so much. I loved her so much. I remember when I bought the new iPhone, she went with me. I recorded a video of her. It was the first one I had ever recorded. We went to a baseball game that night. I miss her so so much. I really messed up badly. I cannot believe what I did. I am still so ashamed and sorry. I hope one day she can call me or just one day text me. I'll keep waiting.

Love Quote

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of seperation.

First Day of Classes

Woke up today at 6am, showered, got ready and left for the shuttle to Mizzou. I got to school about 20-30 minutes early and tried figuring out the whole situation with my math placement. I have to take the ALEKS exam and I only need to get a 55%. Can you imagine how hard that is. Well, I still went to class and then spanish class. Spanish class was cool. The teacher is very nice and reminds me of my Tia Hilda. Well after Poli Sci 3000 for some unknown reason, my phone went ahead about an hour. I skipped my next class thinking I was running late. It was such a stupid thing to do on a first day. Now, I missed Poli Sci 1400 on the first day! I am very disappointed and do not know how my phone made such a mistake. From now on I'm making sure to wear my watch. Last night however, was not the best. Johnny is lost with his school situation and last night would have been my anniversary with her. I felt so bad yesterday and for some reason was hoping she would call. She told me to never call her again or text her. I hope the new year can really change me and give me one more chance.

Time heals all

Everything is starting to make sense. In my journey to progress, I have regressed. I have not matured but rather failed. I have let myself and my family down. Most importantly, I let the love of my life and the woman of my dreams down. I know I failed but I know I can change and be a better man and learn from my mistake.

"If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down."

I'm not gonna lay in my sorrows or pity myself. I'm going to take everything like a man and I will win her back. Regardless of what anyone says. When you feel passionate about something, strive for it. Work your hardest, that is what I intend to do. I am so in love with her. She has no idea how much I truly love her. I love her more than anything in this world. I just want her back. I want her to know that I can change and that I will do anything for her

"What does not kill me, makes me stronger."

From this experience I have learned so much about myself. I learned that she meant more to me than many things in live, like food. She meant more to me than my own happiness. Even though the pain I feel is still unbearable, I will learn from this and I will change. I guarantee anyone that I will be a changed man. I will grow up and I will stop being immature, stupid, and inconsiderate.

"Every second a seeker can start over, his life's mistakes are initial drafts and not the final version."

Lastly, I know what I want to make my final version. She is there, so is my family, my mom, and my friends. I do not want to lose anyone. Especially her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and right now I need to give her time. But I will try to win her back. I do not want to look back and say I should have tried harder. I will try harder than anyone ever has. Unlike other men, I honestly and genuinely am sorry and I do not want to just let her go.

It's funny when you coming in first but you hope that you last...

One Day

The days countdown, its been 5 already and I have the worst eating habit. It's incredible how much pain the human mind and body can take. I feel so ashamed and pathetic. I went to campus today, it just didn't feel the same. And the reality is that it won't. It will never be the same. I have lost so much and I have no one to blame but myself. All I can do now is hope that there may be a future. I pray every night hoping that one day, just one day it may come true. For now, I must face the reality of the situation. I failed, and I committed a dishonorable sin. I have let my family down and my friends. However, I will change, I will become a better person. I will prioritize what is important in my life.

1. Me.

2. My mom and brothers.

3. My friends.

4. School.

5.

I hope one day I can refill number 5. I will forever leave that spot open.

A prayer

²¹Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

²²Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

God please give me a second chance one day. Give me the opportunity to show everyone that I am different. Please let me prove to myself that I can be a better man.

Amen.

Alone.

Your heart is filled with pain,
Your mind cluttered with confusion.

Pieces of your life fall around you
Like raindrops in a storm.

The path you chose so long ago
Led you straight to hurts door.

Now your weary feet struggle
To find the road back home,
Searching for the places
That love and beauty hide.

Temptations lie in wait all around,
Pulling at your every step,
Waiting for you to slide back
From the chosen, sought for, path.

Emptiness surrounds you,
Confusing your perceptions.
It is difficult to carry on.

I will do my best to fill your heart with joy,
To clear the cobwebs of confusion,
Help you find your purpose.

I am good at catching pieces
And I can chase away a storm.

Let me walk your path beside you,
I have walked this road before.

You can lean on me when the weariness comes.
My shoulders are very strong.

I can not fight your battles,
Or chase away demons of the soul,
But I can lend you my strength
Until you find your own.

I will help you find the courage
To face each day anew.

I can not shorten the journey you must make,
The road is just as long as before.

But I can fill the emptiness
And help you reach your center,
The place where love and beauty hide.

Take my hand, be my friend,
Let me walk with you awhile.

Lost without you...

I have now lost everything. I wish Johnny would have given me a chance to tell her. That was extremely inappropriate. I understand what I did was very wrong. I am now going to God to find my way. I've talked to 2 church pastors and am now trying to change my life. I can't believe she's gone. I am in so much pain. Everything hurts. I pray to god that one day I may get another chance but for now, its over.